I felt like yesterday. Yesterday he was there, lying on his bed. I still feel doing the routine, Terengganu-Subang-Terengganu. Yes, I’m a regular customer of Firefly and Malindo. Every fortnight, I would be visiting my Grandpa. Sometimes, weekly.
20th April 2016. Wed. 5.40pm. I was doing my ablution and my handphone rang. I missed a call, and answered the next. My little cousin number appeared on the screen. I saw nothing coming, and answered in a cheered up voice.
It was his brother, actually. My 15 year-old cousin. He was bursting into tears. Clearly.
“Kak Yah, Toky dah tak ada”.
“Azareil, biar betul? Bila?”
I was shocked! Disbelief, I called my aunty. The inner part of me denied and said he must be kidding. I couldnt trust this teen though logically, he never ever fool around such thing. I needed conformation. Sorry, but sorry, my aunty confirmed the news.
I rushed to my Mom’s room. She was praying Asr. I did my Asr and of course I couldnt handle my tears anymore. Really felt that Allah was hearing me. I was really into that heart to heart conversation with God.
Alhamdulillah, after prayer I was calm enough to digest the whole thing. I dressed up to rush to the airport. The earliest flight would be 8.30pm. Thinking that we might to rush to pack, I chose Malindo 8.50pm. Lucky, the tickets were still available and the price was not that high. RM200+ compared to the last minute situation, cheap enough to me. As my Mom used to experience rm300+ for a last minute flight.
Allah made our journey smooth, we boarded before Firefly though we supposed to depart later. And arrived 10 minutes earlier than schedule. We got our taxi quite fast and the traffic light coincidentally were all green, which cut the duration short to my Uncle’s house. I really felt that Allah heard my prayers and were with us. It was our last night to spend with my Grandpa.
He was there, lying in bed, STILL, unlike before. He is going to another phase of life. Me? Who knows. There were a bit of sweats on his forehead, and his face was still warm. We decided to have the funeral in the early morning tomorrow.
At 7 am, the people from Masjid Bukit Jelutong came and Grandpa was brought to the mosque. The facilities in the mosque are all complete, yes it is the largest mosque in Selangor. I was hoping to be included for proses pemandian. But, only male could enter. Later, I got inside and got the chance to run the water onto his body. For the last time. You could hear my heart shattered inside.
It was my first loss. A closed member. Thankfully, I had the chance to take care of him for about 4+ years.
All come to my senses. After SPM, I was dying to go UIAM. Universiti yang diidamkan untuk pelajar SMKA. Namun, ibu bapaku membuat keputusan untuk aku teruskan sahaja di matrikulasi; Kolej Matrikulasi Pahang (KMPh). I felt that life was unfair as many of my friends went to UIA.
But Allah knows best. From KMPh, I went to UniSZA. I stayed with my family and that time Grandpa was with us, in Terengganu. At times I did rushed from campus to home to prepare meals for my Grandpa, especially when my parents were not around. Kadang kala ada ragam yang menguji kesabaran. Sedangkan jaga budak kecil pun ada ragam sendiri, begitu juga orang tua.
There were moments I felt difficult to juggle my responsibilities. Namun Alhamdulillah. Saya kategorikan dia sebagai senang dijaga, lebih-lebih lagi bab makanan. Apa sahaja yang dihidangkan, dia makan sahaja. Tak pernah nak complain. Biskut ke roti ke, nasi berlauk ayam atau ikan, semua dia tak kisah.
Kini, semua tinggal memori. Setiap insan pasti akan pergi. Namun, aku bersyukur Allah mengambilnya ketika aku baru sahaja sehari pulang dari melawatnya. We spent 3 days in Shah Alam before he passed away. Masih segar kenangan aku menyuap makanan tengahari dan malam. Masih segar ingatan aku membaiki pakaiannya. Masih segar memori aku membaiki posisinya. Masih segar kenangan aku menyelimutkan kakinya. Masih terasa jari jemarinya di tanganku ketika aku bersalam di pagi Isnin itu, sebelum aku pulang ke Terengganu.
Actually, on that particular Monday, I was late to the airport. Siap turun dan bawa beg untuk keluar, teringat belum bersalam dengan arwah. Hati terfikir nak naik ke tak, sebab dah lambat ni. Nanti nak datang lagi minggu depan atau 2 minggu lagi. But, I followed my heart. I did went up and shook hands with Grandpa and told him that Im going home, and will be back to see him.
On Tuesday night, when I was about to sleep, I had a scenario in my mind that my grandpa passed away. But i ignored. And when we were in Shah Alam, I told my Mom that he looked a bit different. But my Mom denied.
Come to think again, Allah did give me hints… And I did sensed it coming. It just a matter of ignoring it because i dont want it to happen. Well, i was close to him. Walaupun aku rasa bukan cucu yang baik pun, tapi hanya aku satu2nya cucu perempuan tahu dia suka makanan dihidang macammana, yang pernah cuci najisnya, pernah suap makan minum melalui mulut mahupun tiub dll.
Kini, hanya atuk dan wan sebelah ayah sahaja yang tertinggal. Moga aku menjadi cucu yang lebih berbakti…
Sememangnya banyak aku pelajari. Di saat kita sihat, ramai orang di sekeliling kita. Namun, belum tentu di hari tua…
Dan kini, aku lebih menghargai. Menghargai pada yang ada, kerana entah esok atau lusa mereka pergi, hanya kenangan dan memori yang ada. Ciptalah kenangan sebanyak2 kenangan sewaktu mereka di hadapan mata kita.
First Day of Syawal 2015
Al-fatihah untuk arwah Toky yang sentiasa bawa sekotak ciku untukku, sewaktu dia masih sihat dahulu…. Semoga Allah ampunkan dosanya, lapangkan kuburnya. Dan semoga Toky mengampuni kekhilafanku sewaktu aku menjaganya..
Dan Alhamdulillah, Momy Dady buat dunno je bila aku beriya nak sambung PhD di luar negara. Kalau tidak, aku tak berpeluang untuk menatap wajah arwah dan cium dahinya buat kali terakhir.